This has been a fad as of late that has been so obscenely popular it has become very difficult to ignore. This sensation is known simply as “Money.” Or as the cool kids call it “Mon-nay” and by cool kids we of course mean middle age adults who have never owned nor stood near a kid. But it is time to get to the bottom of this trend once and for all. To do so we are asking Billionaire McMillionaire why he felt the need to go from having millions of dollars (His form of money of choice) to billions of them.
When asked, “Why collect so many of these ‘dollars?’” he replied, “One of the reasons people seek large quantities of money is so they never have to worry about financial issues, or have to ask ‘can I afford that?’” Upon it being suggested that maybe this was his reason for doing so he continued by stating, “Oh goodness no. Billionaires find plenty of things to worry about. But knowing why that isn’t a good reason takes us one step closer to what the real reason to be a billionaire is. Revenge!”
A brief psychological analysis showed that despite the frightening stare he started giving and the way he dramatically stabbed his lunch with a fork, he likely wouldn’t kill anyone for at least twenty minutes. Afterward he clarified, “Revenge against the trees. Why else would America shred them up into tiny like slips of paper and then slap a presidents face on them if not to say, ‘Damn America owned that tree!’ It’d be like tattooing an American Flag on Bin Laden’s forehead. While I appreciate this ritual of showing our hatred for trees, it isn’t enough. So I hoard as many shards as I can so that more have to printed.”
Mr. McMillionaire was asked if he perhaps actually had some alternate motive for wanting the money such as, being able to advance the charities he values most, being able to fund other causes such as medical or scientific research, or even to be able to leave the money for generations to come after. He responded with the following, “No, none of those are the real reason anyone wants billions of dollars. There will always be plenty of billionaires to fund the charities they think are important; does anyone really think they are doing the world a favor by putting some other would be billionaire out of business just so that there specific charity or research wins out in the end? And who wants to spoil a whole line of future generations? The truth is tree huggers have been right all along. Science discovered quite some time ago that trees do feel pain, and that makes their destruction and humiliation all the more glorious, for they deserve it.”
When prompted what trees could possibly do to deserve this Billionaire had this to say, “Once there was this lovely tree near our property. But the news told of a vicious storm that was coming through that night. Sure enough a big storm with fierce gusts occurred that night that kept tugging on that tree until eventually it happened.”
“The tree uprooted and landed on our neighbors house. He wouldn’t shut up about that tree or the damage it did to his house for years to come. He was the only person there I could stand and that stupid tree made him completely intolerable.”
Our interview went on to reveal that he didn’t think it was discrimination to hate all trees because of what one tree did because, “Discrimination? We’re talking about trees here. What are ya, some kind of hippie?” While it is as of yet unclear whether this is the same reason the money sensation remains popular with many people of various age groups, the motivations of this one money lover hopefully provide some insight. In closing we asked Mr. McMillionaire if he thought this trend was here to stay and he remarked, “There can be only one fad as gripping as this at a time, and well, did I ever tell you about the time I kicked an ant mound as a child?”